Welcome to just a few of my received free letters! Here are just a small selection of letters and replies.
All the authors of these letters are aware that their letters may well be published, which is simply why they are answered for free!!
All paid for letters, unless otherwise stated, are in absolute full confidence......Your letter will always be treated with care and respect! You can rely on me........Alison, your personal online agony aunt!
Apersonal touch assured .........Alison xx
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Name: claudette
Message: free
I’m a nervous person, I'm not sure whether to take up driving lessons, or remain a passenger. Do u think anyone can drive or a certain type of person. I feel abit stupid, what do u suggest?
Reply: Dear Claudette
Ok, everyone who learns to drive is going to be nervous, this is natural and all part and parcel of 'learning' something new. Learning to drive does how ever require an element of self confidence, this is because you have to know that you are even possibly able to do this, if you are already contemplating learning then you already have the idea that you are able possibly to succeed, otherwise why are you thinking about it? You will be learning with an experienced instructor, who will be very well used to people suffering from nerves, if you wasn't abit nervous then you would not be human, and a good instructor should be able to put you at ease anyway, just listen carefully to what he tells you, do not panic at any little mistakes you may make, remember ….even long term experienced drivers make silly mistakes! You need as much practice as possible, and your confidence will grow with your ability to control the car.
If you do find though that nerves are getting the better of you and you feel very tense, do consult your GP or try a herbal remedy such as calms, hopefully this won’t be necessary!
Good luck with the lessons and keep me informed of the progress! I am sure you’ll be fine!!
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Name: Anonymous
Reply: Dear Emailer,
About eighteen months ago I had a similar feeling, as you describe, a feeling of nervousness when being outside alone, the feeling isn’t nice and can make you feel uncomfortable about going out, making it feel easier to stay inside the home or at work.
When I actually did go outside alone, although still being very apprehensive and nervous, I did how ever feel I had achieved something.
Maybe if you took your time with this problem, and remember you can’t expect to feel A1 straight away, but maybe if you made a purposeful reason why you had to go outside, everyday, even for just a few minutes, each time you do go out the dread feeling may become less apparent.
I suffered with palpitations when I was feeling at my worst with the nervousness, and was breathing quite bad by the time I always reached home, when I look back on it I truly do wonder why, because the world, the people and your home town will not be any more scary than it ever has been, it just appears so at the moment
and you are quite ok to feel a little silly for emailing me your problem, but the fact that you have chosen voluntarily to ask for help does actually prove two things: 1) You have recognised that you have a problem and that this ‘feeling’ isn’t the ‘norm’. 2) You are opening up and sharing this fear, and that is a stage closer to dealing with it.
Do not worry about this problem, it will only make you feel worse, try to keep calm, seek your GP’s advice as soon as possible, as stress, nerves and anxiety can actually lead to other medical problems, so a GP’s help should be your first port of call. Good luck!
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Name: Sally Anne
Email: sallyanne120770@aol.com
Message: Hello.
I would like to ask a question but it is hard to know where to begin.
I am going to be 36 years old this year, and my husband has just left me for another woman, she is younger I think, I do not know what to do now, he has still keys for our home and I am scared to go out incase he lets her into my home when I am away.
I want him to come home and want to try again, I feel so low.
What would you do?
Sorry, this is a free question.
Reply: Dear Sally
Firstly, I am sorry for the all the problems you are having Sally. Unfortunately this kind of thing does happen, and you are not the only one it will be happening to, this is no consolation I know right now.
Your husband has obviously hurt you and in the worst possible way. When you say that you feel you cannot go out of your home at the present time, is that because you are worried solely about your husband entering the house whilst you are out, or is it partially due to feeling upset and nervous? When anyone gets a huge shock like this it upsets our whole nervous system and we don’t feel like out normal selves.
The house, your home is the only thing you have right now of stability, you must do what ever you can to protect what is yours, I know at the moment you may feel that your husband may only enter your home to bring in this young lady, but the practical fact is that he can remove items belonging to both of you, your main concern right now is protecting what is yours.
If you are on speaking terms with your husband then I suggest that you tell him that he is only allowed into the house when you are there, that way you can see what exactly it is he is taking out, also ask for his keys back.
If you are not amicable in any way at all, or you feel you cannot trust him, then you must have the door locks changed, this may sound extreme, but you do have to be in control here, and he will not be able to enter the house without you present.
The cost of having new locks fitted does not have to be too expensive, of course depending on what type of lock you do have. Changing a Yale lock for example can be easy and cheap, as it is only a new barrel to change.
As for wanting your husband to come home, this is a new situation for you, you have had a massive shock and your whole life has just changed, you do seriously need a few days or weeks to attempt to pull yourself together from this first before you even think of talking to your husband about reconciliation, at this moment in time, it is far too early.
Trust and loyalty have not been high on your husbands priority list unfortunately, and you have paid the price for this, you do need time to think clearly and realise what exactly it is that he has done, at present you seem to be more worried about the family home than yourself, please look after you aswel as the materialistic items around you, whatever happens you are going to need a great deal of strength to deal with this one way or another.
Good luck, and don’t forget………Change the locks!
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Email: leehealey@ntlworld.com
Message: No problems here, but I just wanted to say I think what you're doing is brilliant. Not often someone gives something for nothing, whether it's advice or otherwise. Have to admit your 'Free & single' page rang a particular bell with me, as I've been single now for quite a while & finding 'Miss Right' was beginning to consume me. Now I just enjoy being single & I find I enjoy my nights out even more! Good luck with your site, & if you'd like a link to mine (www.leehealey.com)lemme know.
Lee
Name: anon
hi
was wondering if you could give me some guidance, having had a look through your website, you seem such a confident person, how do you get that. I'm not one for going out at nights, my dress sense is always the same I’m always in black so as to blend in with everyone else. I feel fat and frumpy and am not getting any younger. My husband pays me no attention, he never takes me out and I feel life is passing me by, please don't say leave him, it's not that easy. we've had our ups and down but we are still together. I just want abit more confidence.
Reply: Dear young lady
The situation you feel you are in is quite common. This doesn’t mean to say any less a problem, but you do have to realise that in order to climb out of these dulldrums, there are other people in the same predicament!
It’s a shame you feel you have no confidence in yourself, but again a lot of people are lacking in that department and it isn’t something you can just get over night. Realising that you are equal to every other person out there is a good start, no one is saying you have to become self obsessed and become over confident, just you need to feel equal, because after all ….that’s what you are!!!
I personally have been shy and timid and very unconfident in the past,it was actually due to a very soul destroying marriage, but I cannot totally blame my ex-husband for how I felt, not totally, it was due to me allowing him and the situation to get out of hand and I felt everything was hopeless.
Once I DID something for myself, what I wanted to do, and realised I could cope, my life took a real turn around, not that everything has been plain sailing since, but I did my own thing and took control of my life one way or another, this does give you the added confidence you need.
No one is saying leave your husband, that’s for you to decide and you alone! But, you must ask yourself the reason why he has such a dramatic effect on your confidence levels; shouldn’t he be making you feel stronger? Maybe a few passing compliments wouldn’t go a miss too!
The main reason why a partner of whatever sex makes the other person feel down or maybe less worthy is because they themselves feel that way, maybe he feels like he has no confidence and by making you feel much the same way he gains an ally, this is something you do need to address!
If your dress sense and weight is dragging you down, DO something about it! By carrying on wearing the same style and colour clothes you are just giving into your own self, and doing what you feel is easiest, and that is not always best for you! If this problem was asked of you about someone else…….what would you say to them?
If you have friends or family who can get you out of the house, away from everyday chores and normality for a few hours, let them do it! If people offer you help, take them up on it, if you reject their help, they will stop offering it eventually! And if by any chance you are alone on this one, which I do hope you are not……..Take a good look in the mirror……you will see a very capable woman, who is worthy of being treated with abit of respect and at the very least being made to feel womanly!
My last words on this subject are: Wakey wakey!!! You have a life out there! Don’t waste it!
Alison
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Name: beth
Message: one of my best mates keeps oh slitting her wrist and everyone at school is worried about her we ask her y she does and she always repiles 'i don't no'. her boyfriend is really worrided because she says 'if you dump me i will slit my vein.' i don't want to say annthing horrible to her because she is very sensitive.
Please help!!!
Reply: Dear Beth
I can imagine that this whole matter is extremely scary and worrying for you, if this was a friend of mine I also would be concerned.
The main thing that you have to get to the bottom of is the reasons why your friend is self-harming herself, she says 'she doesn't know' - she may well not be concious of the reasons why she is doing this to herself, on the other hand she very well might know but feels she is unable to talk about the problem.
Everybody deals with stress and problems in different ways, self-harm is very common. Your friend may be doing this to get her feeling of 'release' of pressure, she obviousley has problems deep down and definately needs some help, your help and support is vital as her friend, but she does need to go and talk to someone medical, her GP or a counsellor.
The threat that she will hurt herself if her boyfriend 'dumps her' does sound very much like low self-esteem, lack of confidence and slight self-obsession.....you see it is obvious that the thought that she may lose her boyfriend scares her into threatening self-harm, so she is obviousley not a confident girl, whether the outside view says otherwise, it is what is on the inside that is important here, because the outside appearance of a person can be very misleading.
The problem I have personally with people who threaten to do harmful things to themselves in order to either get their own way in a situation, or to hurt themselves in order to gain attention, is exactly that....attention.......your friend needs help, this is her cry for help, and she does WANT help too, if she didn't then why is she allowing you to see her wounds, surely anyone who wanted to be left alone would keep this a secret so to be 'left alone', but your friend isn't doing this.....She does want and need help!
Threatening her boyfriend with self-harming herself is silly, and selfish, she would not have to go to that extreme if their relationship was solid anyway, nobody needs to be forced into staying with someone, that will only end up in heartbreak, the threatened party will always retaliate eventually, people stay together happily because they want to, not because they have to! The tactics of threats are quite 'bullying', whether it appears to be or not, and also unfair! This is why I do truly believe that your friend has no self-confidence, otherwise she would not have to resort to this.
Get your friend some proper help, she needs to talk openly with someone, maybe you, but she does need to see her doctor too, self-harming is not just a small problem, it is a life threatening and dangerous.....
Your friend needs your support.
hope this is of some help to you.
Good luck
Alison
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Name :Leona Lynch
Hi, I've been recently having bad panick attacks again. A couple of years ago i lost two close family members to cancer and didn't deal with it properly. I think its coming out in different ways. I keep imagining pains and rushing to the doctor only for him to say I am perfectly ok but it does not stop me from worrying. I am convinced i am or already have cancer. I feel like I cant talk to anybody about this. It's really intefering with my life as i am a single mum and it's not healthy for my kid to see me crying all the time.
Hello Leona
I sympathise totally with you.......Panic attacks are not only scary, but life altering also.
You are correct in the instance that you cannot allow this to have such a strong impact on you, as yes you are right, you and your child will be the main losers in this.
Your child won't be able to understand what is the matter with you, and actually neither do you! Panic attacks come on through many different reasons, and the reason they do happen is that you psycologically work yourelf up into a lather inside and this then has a bearing on you physically.
A year or two ago I had panic attacks, usually when I tried to go out shopping alone,I would walk out to begin with and nearly end up running back in the end, plus my breathing went into auto pilot and I felt off balance........A horrid feeling, and one that people don't really understand.
Obviousley your losses have had a mega impact on you, and that is understandable, as grief and being in mourning, together with everyday life and having to be 'cheerful' for your childs sake isn't easy.
But this is something you have to deal with, it may sound harsh, but is true, I lost a very very close relative last year, and I truly didn't know if I would cope, but you have to, your kid needs you too, and to be honest ...so do you....That little kid needs his mum back and on an even keel, as he is your number one priority. You are strong enough to deal with this, you have to be, its part of life, having to cope.
You must concetrate on the now and not on the then. Your family members who have been taken away from you are still there, still with you, if only in your heart and memories, but they are there, and do you truly believe that they would want you to be like this? No chance! They'd probably want to kick your ass if they saw you going to pieces..........
I want you to sit down and quietly have a proper think, and give yourself a good talking to, because it is only you that can do this, you have to pull yourself together, no one else can do this for you!
Your aim is to try and get your head back into realisation....To get yourself to see what is really going on here and around you, the trick is to get your priorities in the right order, and to realise that you are a healthy young mum, who has a healthy young son, and has everything to live for. You have so much more than an awful lot of people, and as such need to take care of what you have.
The panic attacks will in time wain.......But only if you allow them to.........If you continue to give in to them, and let your mind run away with you, there is no chance that you will feel better. I want you to do the things that actually create these attacks, ie) Mine was shopping.......... But take someone or your son with you........You don't have to do this alone, but you do have to get the strength from inside to push yourself forward. You can do this!!
You do not have cancer, you are a healthy young mother who has to stop beating herself up and get on with what counts now.........You & your son! It sounds harsh, but life is for the living! You can't live in the shadow of what has happened, or what even might happen.......Lots of things might happen, and don't!
Please take care, but please give yourself a good talking to, as you are the main person who can sort you out!
From Alison xx